{"id":4052,"date":"2014-03-10T14:06:41","date_gmt":"2014-03-10T18:06:41","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.kzoo.edu\/news\/?p=4052"},"modified":"2022-03-24T10:41:19","modified_gmt":"2022-03-24T14:41:19","slug":"heartbeat","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.kzoo.edu\/news\/heartbeat\/","title":{"rendered":"Heartbeat"},"content":{"rendered":"
\"Alicia<\/a>
Alicia and Michael Stillman<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

This past autumn, in the living room of their Bloomfield Township home, on the couch where their daughter, Emily, had often stretched out to watch TV, Alicia and Michael Stillman sat beside a young man in his 30s, a father of two small children.<\/p>\n

Even though these three people have only recently met, the man invites the Stillmans to lean in and lay an ear against his chest. The heart they hear is not the heart with which the man was born.<\/p>\n

It is Emily\u2019s heart.<\/p>\n

Emily Stillman \u201915<\/strong>, the second of Alicia and Michael\u2019s three children, died in January of 2013 from bacterial meningitis, her life cut short at the age of 19.<\/p>\n

Somehow, from the thick fog of grief the Stillman family has emerged. Though tough days still occur, they say. And \u201cWhy?\u201d remains unanswered. Confusion, periodically, continues to persist.<\/p>\n

But there also has grown a deep appreciation of living and an immense satisfaction of knowing that others live because of Emily.<\/p>\n

\u201cI can\u2019t find a reason why this happened. Why Emily?\u201d Alicia says. \u201cBut we are blessed and we need to bless others. We came to the realization that what happened is bigger than us, bigger than her. All of our family\u2014Emily, too\u2014are meant to do good.\u201d<\/p>\n

One night, a little more than a year ago, Emily called home to talk with Alicia. She told her mother she had a horrible headache, was exhausted, and planned to go to bed early. It would be the last time Alicia would hear her daughter\u2019s voice.<\/p>\n

The headache got worse, and later that night Emily was admitted to a local hospital, receiving care for a migraine headache. When the treatments didn\u2019t work, doctors performed additional tests. A diagnosis of bacterial meningitis followed, and Emily\u2019s situation deteriorated. Her brain continued to swell, and it became clear to medical staff that despite their best efforts her survival was unlikely.<\/p>\n

Alicia rushed to Kalamazoo, and Michael, an attorney on a business trip out of the state, called the family\u2019s rabbi, who drove from the Detroit area to be with Alicia. Michael flew to Kalamazoo immediately. His daughter was on a ventilator, unconscious and very near death. The Stillmans asked medical staff to keep Emily alive in order to give their oldest daughter, a student at the University of Michigan, time to return from her study abroad in Brazil. Emily also has a younger brother, then a junior in high school.<\/p>\n

Together in the hospital, the family was in shock. So when members of Michigan Gift of Life, an organization that matches organ donors with patients in need of a transplant, approached Alicia and Michael, the couple recoiled.<\/p>\n

\u201cWe said, \u2018Absolutely not. Stay away,\u2019\u201d Alicia recalls.<\/p>\n

They sat holding each other, distraught. Then Alicia remembers experiencing a shiver. It was Emily\u2019s spirit, she says today, urging them to change their minds.<\/p>\n

\u201cWe talked it over, and realized we\u2019d made a terrible mistake,\u201d Alicia says. \u201cThat brush against my neck was my daughter telling us to think twice.\u201d<\/p>\n

Emily died a few days later.<\/p>\n

The Stillmans agreed to donate Emily\u2019s organs, but Michael wasn\u2019t sure if it was allowed under the Jewish faith. He talked to the family\u2019s rabbi.<\/p>\n

\u201cI asked him if it was frowned upon. He told me, \u2018Michael, it\u2019s the ultimate \u201cmitzvah.\u201d It\u2019s the ultimate expression of human kindness, to give the gift of life.\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\"Five<\/a>
The Stillman family; Emily is at left.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

Organs that made life possible for Emily do the same today for five people in Michigan and Ohio. The man with whom the Stillmans sat in their living room is a doctor in Cleveland. A man from Ubly, Michigan, received a kidney, and a man in Grand Rapids breathes because of the gift of one of Emily\u2019s lungs.<\/p>\n

The enormity of these life gifts is not lost on Emily\u2019s family.<\/p>\n

\u201cThis may sound strange coming from a grieving mother, but I feel blessed in the way that you feel when you give someone a gift. It\u2019s an emotional, almost proud feeling,\u201d says Alicia. \u201cWhat we did with Emily saved the lives of five people and changed the lives of many others. That feeling is powerful.\u201d<\/p>\n

The Stillmans have met three recipients of Emily\u2019s organs. Each occasion is a wrenching physical reminder that Emily is no longer with them, but it\u2019s also a celebration of life.<\/p>\n

\u201cThose families are part of our family,\u201d Alicia says. \u201cThey care for a part of our daughter. Something of us is living inside of them.\u201d<\/p>\n

Correspondence with the recipients has revealed emerging connections. The man living in Ubly noted that, for some reason, he\u2019s shopping more than ever. Emily was a shop-a-holic. The man in Grand Rapids finds himself immersed in Sudoku puzzles, something he\u2019d never done previously. Emily was enthralled with them.<\/p>\n

\u201cShe loved puzzles,\u201d Alicia says. \u201cI buried her with a Sudoku book.\u201d<\/p>\n

Alicia and Michael think of the children of the parents who received Emily\u2019s organs.<\/p>\n

\u201cThis is important to us,\u201d Michael says. \u201cWe lost our Emily. It sucks. But Emily\u2019s gift means that 15 kids have a parent they might otherwise have lost.\u201d Fifteen \u2026 and counting. One of those kids\u2014a child of the doctor in Cleveland\u2014was born after the transplant.<\/p>\n

The Stillmans were not organ donors before Emily died. But they are now, and their involvement in educating the public about the importance of organ donation has helped them heal.<\/p>\n

Alicia attends Michigan Gift of Life events where she shares her story, always with a large portrait of Emily. The couple was recognized recently at an awareness-raising rally arranged by MGL at the state capitol.<\/p>\n

\u201cOrgan donation was never on our radar. Not for Emily either,\u201d Alicia says. \u201cYou don\u2019t tend to think about it if you don\u2019t know someone who has received a gift like that.\u201d<\/p>\n

And so the family has been incredibly open with their experience, even inviting local media to their home on the occasions they have met the recipients of Emily\u2019s organs. Donations to the organization, Alicia says, increased after the stories were published. She is also involved in the effort to raise awareness of the need for meningitis vaccinations and booster shots.<\/p>\n

\u201cDonor families like the Stillmans provide a very important and under-reported side of (organ) donations,\u201d says Jennifer Tislerics, special events and partnerships coordinator for Michigan Gift of Life. \u201cEveryone knows about the second chance of life. Fewer realize that many donor families benefit from seeing the positives that come out of their dark time and from the opportunity to tell a loved one\u2019s story. It\u2019s heroic in a way.\u201d<\/p>\n

There are more than 80 organ recovery organizations in the United States, and, by law, hospitals must report every death that occurs at their facility to the organization in their area. But in only about 2 percent of cases are the deceased person\u2019s organs or tissues viable for transplantation, Tislerics says.<\/p>\n

That\u2019s what makes a vast organ donor network so important. Kalamazoo College recently took second place among 14 colleges and universities statewide in the 2014 Michigan Gift of Life Campus Challenge to register students to become organ donors. A total of 60 K students\u2014a little more than 4 percent of the student population\u2014registered during the six-week event.<\/p>\n

\u201cOrgan donation procedures treat the deceased and the family with the utmost respect,\u201d says Tislerics. \u201cProstheses are used to replace donated organs so that the appearance of the body is not affected,\u201d she says. \u201cThere is no age limit for organ donation. We have had organ donations from a 93-year-old and tissue gifts from a 103-year-old. And most religions in the U.S. support organ donation as well.\u201d<\/p>\n

Emily had a second \u201cfamily\u201d that included friends and professors, staff and counselors at K. Members of this second \u201cfamily\u201d took her passing hard. At a memorial at Stetson Chapel, Emily\u2019s friends recalled a classmate and confidant who will never be forgotten.<\/p>\n

\u201cEmily didn\u2019t do things small. Everything about her was exciting,\u201d says Skylar Young<\/strong>, a classmate and close friend of Emily\u2019s. \u201cWhether we were taking a trip to the vending machine or going on one of our secret excursions to Sweetwater\u2019s Donut Mill for \u2019Donut Wednesday,\u2019 she was laughing, singing, screaming out something ridiculous, living life to the fullest. She loved big–plain and simple.\u201d<\/p>\n

The Stillmans were impressed with K, especially in the last days of their daughter\u2019s life.<\/p>\n

Emily had looked at a few large, in-state public institutions for her college years, but Kalamazoo College kept on being suggested to her as a place to check out. The family did, and when they visited the College, Emily got excited.<\/p>\n

\u201cK sent the most amazing acceptance letter\u2014bonded paper, hand signed, referencing her personal essay,\u201d Alicia says. \u201cWe were, like\u2014Wow! She fell in love. She found a place for herself.\u201d<\/p>\n

During Emily\u2019s hospitalization, representatives from the College visited the Stillmans to lend comfort, attending to any needs and bringing them meals. Emily\u2019s friends and professors visited to say goodbye. President Wilson-Oyelaran came as well, one night bringing the family dinner and sitting with them, just to be there.<\/p>\n

\u201cThe College was phenomenal,\u201d Alicia says.<\/p>\n

After Emily died, the College arranged for a bus to transport professors, staff, and students to her funeral and shuttle the group to different venues that day, ending at the Stillman home.<\/p>\n

\u201cShe had the warmest, most beautiful group of friends at K. We are still in contact with them,\u201d Alicia says. \u201cHer K friends are close with her friends from here. At the funeral, at the grave site, all the K kids held hands with kids from her high school. They all gave the eulogy together. I will never forget that.\u201d<\/p>\n

In the mail one day, Michael found a letter from the College. Enclosed was a refund check for the academic term interrupted by Emily\u2019s sudden death. He put the money into The Emily Stillman Fund, created by the family to help pay for research on bacterial meningitis. He was taken aback by the gesture.<\/p>\n

\u201cI can\u2019t imagine a university doing that,\u201d he says. \u201cWe never even asked for it.\u201d<\/p>\n

Alicia and Michael have friends who have lost children, couples who do their best to lead normal lives, but simply cannot escape the grief. There is a high divorce rate among couples who lose a child, and that fact terrified Alicia and Mike.<\/p>\n

\u201cTheir lives go on,\u201d Alicia says. \u201cBut they\u2019re\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201c\u2026 shells,\u201d Michael adds.<\/p>\n

The Stillmans are a close, loving couple, and have relied on each other many times over the past year to get through days when the sadness creeps in.<\/p>\n

And yet, grief is an individual path, with no end.<\/p>\n

\u201cWe can walk next to one another and be there for each other, but the journey is separate. It\u2019s different for each of us.<\/p>\n

\"Emily<\/a>
Emily Stillman<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

\u201cThere is no closure in the death of a child. But there\u2019s no closure in love, either.\u201d<\/p>\n

Alicia and Michael focus on each other\u2019s needs, and on keeping Emily\u2019s memory alive.<\/p>\n

Michael believes that Emily would have made it on Saturday Night Live<\/em>. She was that funny, that creative and talented. The captain of her high school forensics team, a young woman who took first place in a statewide competition her senior year, she loved the limelight. \u201cShe was the ham of the family,\u201d he says.<\/p>\n

\u201cShe relished being the center of attention. She made people laugh, she made me laugh,\u201d Michael adds. \u201cIf someone came to you and said they had an incredible gift for you but you had to give it back after 19 years, would you take it? \u2026<\/p>\n

\u201c… I\u2019d take it. I would do it all over again.\u201d<\/p>\n

Emily had a voice, too, a voice that commanded attention when she spoke, and soothed when she sang. A voice that will never be heard again, but can still be sensed.<\/p>\n

Sensed in the iambs of a beating heart, in the intake of breath into expanding lungs, in the love, laughter, and longing to live intensely that Emily inspired in everyone she considered friend and family.<\/p>\n

For now, her mother speaks words for her. \u201cI think Emily would urge her friends to go out and be light to the world. Make a difference. Change what shouldn\u2019t be. Make your mark,\u201d Alicia says. \u201cEmily certainly left her mark. We find out more about that every day.\u201d (Story by Chris Killian)<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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aria-label=\"archive of category Students\" href=\"https:\/\/www.kzoo.edu\/news\/category\/students\/\" rel=\"category tag\">Students<\/a>","tags_info":"<a href=\"https:\/\/www.kzoo.edu\/news\/tag\/community\/\" rel=\"tag\">community<\/a>, <a href=\"https:\/\/www.kzoo.edu\/news\/tag\/students\/\" rel=\"tag\">students<\/a>","social_share_info":"<a data-share=\"facebook\" href=\"https:\/\/www.facebook.com\/sharer.php?u=https:\/\/www.kzoo.edu\/news\/heartbeat\/\" class=\"pl-facebook-share social-share-default pl-social-share\" target=\"_blank\"><i class=\"fab fa-facebook-f\" aria-hidden=\"true\"><\/i><\/a><a data-share=\"twitter\" href=\"https:\/\/twitter.com\/share?url=https:\/\/www.kzoo.edu\/news\/heartbeat\/\" class=\"pl-twiiter-share social-share-default pl-social-share\" target=\"_blank\"><i class=\"fab fa-twitter\" aria-hidden=\"true\"><\/i><\/a><a data-share=\"linkedin\" href=\"https:\/\/www.linkedin.com\/shareArticle?url=https:\/\/www.kzoo.edu\/news\/heartbeat\/\" class=\"pl-linkedin-share social-share-default pl-social-share\" target=\"_blank\"><i class=\"fab fa-linkedin-in\" aria-hidden=\"true\"><\/i><\/a>","wordExcerpt_info":"<figure id=\"attachment_4053\" aria-describedby=\"caption-attachment-4053\" style=\"width: 400px\" class=\"wp-caption alignright\"><a href=\"http:\/\/www.kzoo.edu\/news\/files\/2014\/03\/tillmanOne.jpg\"><img loading=\"lazy\" class=\"wp-image-4053 size-full\" src=\"\/\/www.kzoo.edu\/news\/files\/2014\/03\/tillmanOne.jpg\" alt=\"Alicia and Michael Stillman hold a picture of their deceased daughter, Emily\" width=\"400\" height=\"427\" \/><\/a><figcaption id=\"caption-attachment-4053\" class=\"wp-caption-text\">Alicia and Michael Stillman<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n<p>This past autumn, in the living room of their Bloomfield Township home, on the couch where their daughter, Emily, had often stretched out to watch TV, Alicia and Michael Stillman sat beside a young man in his 30s, a father of two small children.<\/p>\n<p>Even though these three people have only recently met, the man invites the Stillmans to lean in and lay an ear against his chest. The heart they hear is not the heart with which the man was born.<\/p>\n<p>It is Emily\u2019s heart.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Emily Stillman \u201915<\/strong>, the second of Alicia and Michael\u2019s three children, died in January of 2013 from bacterial meningitis, her life cut short at the age of 19.<\/p>\n<p>Somehow, from the thick fog of grief the Stillman family has emerged. Though tough days still occur, they say. And \u201cWhy?\u201d remains unanswered. Confusion, periodically, continues to persist.<\/p>\n<p>But there also has grown a deep appreciation of living and an immense satisfaction of knowing that others live because of Emily.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI can\u2019t find a reason why this happened. Why Emily?\u201d Alicia says. \u201cBut we are blessed and we need to bless others. We came to the realization that what happened is bigger than us, bigger than her. All of our family\u2014Emily, too\u2014are meant to do good.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>One night, a little more than a year ago, Emily called home to talk with Alicia. She told her mother she had a horrible headache, was exhausted, and planned to go to bed early. It would be the last time Alicia would hear her daughter\u2019s voice.<\/p>\n<p>The headache got worse, and later that night Emily was admitted to a local hospital, receiving care for a migraine headache. When the treatments didn\u2019t work, doctors performed additional tests. A diagnosis of bacterial meningitis followed, and Emily\u2019s situation deteriorated. Her brain continued to swell, and it became clear to medical staff that despite their best efforts her survival was unlikely.<\/p>\n<p>Alicia rushed to Kalamazoo, and Michael, an attorney on a business trip out of the state, called the family\u2019s rabbi, who drove from the Detroit area to be with Alicia. Michael flew to Kalamazoo immediately. His daughter was on a ventilator, unconscious and very near death. The Stillmans asked medical staff to keep Emily alive in order to give their oldest daughter, a student at the University of Michigan, time to return from her study abroad in Brazil. Emily also has a younger brother, then a junior in high school.<\/p>\n<p>Together in the hospital, the family was in shock. So when members of Michigan Gift of Life, an organization that matches organ donors with patients in need of a transplant, approached Alicia and Michael, the couple recoiled.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWe said, \u2018Absolutely not. Stay away,\u2019\u201d Alicia recalls.<\/p>\n<p>They sat holding each other, distraught. Then Alicia remembers experiencing a shiver. It was Emily\u2019s spirit, she says today, urging them to change their minds.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWe talked it over, and realized we\u2019d made a terrible mistake,\u201d Alicia says. \u201cThat brush against my neck was my daughter telling us to think twice.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Emily died a few days later.<\/p>\n<p>The Stillmans agreed to donate Emily\u2019s organs, but Michael wasn\u2019t sure if it was allowed under the Jewish faith. He talked to the family\u2019s rabbi.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI asked him if it was frowned upon. He told me, \u2018Michael, it\u2019s the ultimate \u201cmitzvah.\u201d It\u2019s the ultimate expression of human kindness, to give the gift of life.\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n<p> <\/p>\n<figure id=\"attachment_4054\" aria-describedby=\"caption-attachment-4054\" style=\"width: 450px\" class=\"wp-caption alignleft\"><a href=\"http:\/\/www.kzoo.edu\/news\/files\/2014\/03\/tillmanFamily.jpg\"><img loading=\"lazy\" class=\"wp-image-4054 size-full\" src=\"\/\/www.kzoo.edu\/news\/files\/2014\/03\/tillmanFamily.jpg\" alt=\"Five members of the Stillman family including Emily\" width=\"450\" height=\"332\" \/><\/a><figcaption id=\"caption-attachment-4054\" class=\"wp-caption-text\">The Stillman family; Emily is at left.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n<p>Organs that made life possible for Emily do the same today for five people in Michigan and Ohio. The man with whom the Stillmans sat in their living room is a doctor in Cleveland. A man from Ubly, Michigan, received a kidney, and a man in Grand Rapids breathes because of the gift of one of Emily\u2019s lungs.<\/p>\n<p>The enormity of these life gifts is not lost on Emily\u2019s family.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cThis may sound strange coming from a grieving mother, but I feel blessed in the way that you feel when you give someone a gift. It\u2019s an emotional, almost proud feeling,\u201d says Alicia. \u201cWhat we did with Emily saved the lives of five people and changed the lives of many others. That feeling is powerful.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>The Stillmans have met three recipients of Emily\u2019s organs. Each occasion is a wrenching physical reminder that Emily is no longer with them, but it\u2019s also a celebration of life.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cThose families are part of our family,\u201d Alicia says. \u201cThey care for a part of our daughter. Something of us is living inside of them.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Correspondence with the recipients has revealed emerging connections. The man living in Ubly noted that, for some reason, he\u2019s shopping more than ever. Emily was a shop-a-holic. The man in Grand Rapids finds himself immersed in Sudoku puzzles, something he\u2019d never done previously. Emily was enthralled with them.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cShe loved puzzles,\u201d Alicia says. \u201cI buried her with a Sudoku book.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Alicia and Michael think of the children of the parents who received Emily\u2019s organs.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cThis is important to us,\u201d Michael says. \u201cWe lost our Emily. It sucks. But Emily\u2019s gift means that 15 kids have a parent they might otherwise have lost.\u201d Fifteen \u2026 and counting. One of those kids\u2014a child of the doctor in Cleveland\u2014was born after the transplant.<\/p>\n<p>The Stillmans were not organ donors before Emily died. But they are now, and their involvement in educating the public about the importance of organ donation has helped them heal.<\/p>\n<p>Alicia attends Michigan Gift of Life events where she shares her story, always with a large portrait of Emily. The couple was recognized recently at an awareness-raising rally arranged by MGL at the state capitol.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cOrgan donation was never on our radar. Not for Emily either,\u201d Alicia says. \u201cYou don\u2019t tend to think about it if you don\u2019t know someone who has received a gift like that.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>And so the family has been incredibly open with their experience, even inviting local media to their home on the occasions they have met the recipients of Emily\u2019s organs. Donations to the organization, Alicia says, increased after the stories were published. She is also involved in the effort to raise awareness of the need for meningitis vaccinations and booster shots.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cDonor families like the Stillmans provide a very important and under-reported side of (organ) donations,\u201d says Jennifer Tislerics, special events and partnerships coordinator for Michigan Gift of Life. \u201cEveryone knows about the second chance of life. Fewer realize that many donor families benefit from seeing the positives that come out of their dark time and from the opportunity to tell a loved one\u2019s story. It\u2019s heroic in a way.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>There are more than 80 organ recovery organizations in the United States, and, by law, hospitals must report every death that occurs at their facility to the organization in their area. But in only about 2 percent of cases are the deceased person\u2019s organs or tissues viable for transplantation, Tislerics says.<\/p>\n<p>That\u2019s what makes a vast organ donor network so important. Kalamazoo College recently took second place among 14 colleges and universities statewide in the 2014 Michigan Gift of Life Campus Challenge to register students to become organ donors. A total of 60 K students\u2014a little more than 4 percent of the student population\u2014registered during the six-week event.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cOrgan donation procedures treat the deceased and the family with the utmost respect,\u201d says Tislerics. \u201cProstheses are used to replace donated organs so that the appearance of the body is not affected,\u201d she says. \u201cThere is no age limit for organ donation. We have had organ donations from a 93-year-old and tissue gifts from a 103-year-old. And most religions in the U.S. support organ donation as well.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Emily had a second \u201cfamily\u201d that included friends and professors, staff and counselors at K. Members of this second \u201cfamily\u201d took her passing hard. At a memorial at Stetson Chapel, Emily\u2019s friends recalled a classmate and confidant who will never be forgotten.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cEmily didn\u2019t do things small. Everything about her was exciting,\u201d says <strong>Skylar Young<\/strong>, a classmate and close friend of Emily\u2019s. \u201cWhether we were taking a trip to the vending machine or going on one of our secret excursions to Sweetwater\u2019s Donut Mill for \u2019Donut Wednesday,\u2019 she was laughing, singing, screaming out something ridiculous, living life to the fullest. She loved big–plain and simple.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>The Stillmans were impressed with K, especially in the last days of their daughter\u2019s life.<\/p>\n<p>Emily had looked at a few large, in-state public institutions for her college years, but Kalamazoo College kept on being suggested to her as a place to check out. The family did, and when they visited the College, Emily got excited.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cK sent the most amazing acceptance letter\u2014bonded paper, hand signed, referencing her personal essay,\u201d Alicia says. \u201cWe were, like\u2014Wow! She fell in love. She found a place for herself.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>During Emily\u2019s hospitalization, representatives from the College visited the Stillmans to lend comfort, attending to any needs and bringing them meals. Emily\u2019s friends and professors visited to say goodbye. President Wilson-Oyelaran came as well, one night bringing the family dinner and sitting with them, just to be there.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cThe College was phenomenal,\u201d Alicia says.<\/p>\n<p>After Emily died, the College arranged for a bus to transport professors, staff, and students to her funeral and shuttle the group to different venues that day, ending at the Stillman home.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cShe had the warmest, most beautiful group of friends at K. We are still in contact with them,\u201d Alicia says. \u201cHer K friends are close with her friends from here. At the funeral, at the grave site, all the K kids held hands with kids from her high school. They all gave the eulogy together. I will never forget that.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>In the mail one day, Michael found a letter from the College. Enclosed was a refund check for the academic term interrupted by Emily\u2019s sudden death. He put the money into The Emily Stillman Fund, created by the family to help pay for research on bacterial meningitis. He was taken aback by the gesture.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI can\u2019t imagine a university doing that,\u201d he says. \u201cWe never even asked for it.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Alicia and Michael have friends who have lost children, couples who do their best to lead normal lives, but simply cannot escape the grief. There is a high divorce rate among couples who lose a child, and that fact terrified Alicia and Mike.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cTheir lives go on,\u201d Alicia says. \u201cBut they\u2019re\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201c\u2026 shells,\u201d Michael adds.<\/p>\n<p>The Stillmans are a close, loving couple, and have relied on each other many times over the past year to get through days when the sadness creeps in.<\/p>\n<p>And yet, grief is an individual path, with no end.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWe can walk next to one another and be there for each other, but the journey is separate. It\u2019s different for each of us.<\/p>\n<figure id=\"attachment_4055\" aria-describedby=\"caption-attachment-4055\" style=\"width: 200px\" class=\"wp-caption alignright\"><a href=\"http:\/\/www.kzoo.edu\/news\/files\/2014\/03\/milyStillman.jpg\"><img loading=\"lazy\" class=\"wp-image-4055 size-full\" src=\"\/\/www.kzoo.edu\/news\/files\/2014\/03\/milyStillman.jpg\" alt=\"Emily Stillman smiling\" width=\"200\" height=\"295\" \/><\/a><figcaption id=\"caption-attachment-4055\" class=\"wp-caption-text\">Emily Stillman<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n<p>\u201cThere is no closure in the death of a child. But there\u2019s no closure in love, either.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Alicia and Michael focus on each other\u2019s needs, and on keeping Emily\u2019s memory alive.<\/p>\n<p>Michael believes that Emily would have made it on <em>Saturday Night Live<\/em>. She was that funny, that creative and talented. The captain of her high school forensics team, a young woman who took first place in a statewide competition her senior year, she loved the limelight. \u201cShe was the ham of the family,\u201d he says.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cShe relished being the center of attention. She made people laugh, she made me laugh,\u201d Michael adds. \u201cIf someone came to you and said they had an incredible gift for you but you had to give it back after 19 years, would you take it? \u2026<\/p>\n<p>\u201c… I\u2019d take it. I would do it all over again.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Emily had a voice, too, a voice that commanded attention when she spoke, and soothed when she sang. A voice that will never be heard again, but can still be sensed.<\/p>\n<p>Sensed in the iambs of a beating heart, in the intake of breath into expanding lungs, in the love, laughter, and longing to live intensely that Emily inspired in everyone she considered friend and family.<\/p>\n<p>For now, her mother speaks words for her. \u201cI think Emily would urge her friends to go out and be light to the world. Make a difference. Change what shouldn\u2019t be. Make your mark,\u201d Alicia says. \u201cEmily certainly left her mark. We find out more about that every day.\u201d (Story by Chris Killian)<\/p>\n","comment_info":"No Comments","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.kzoo.edu\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4052","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.kzoo.edu\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.kzoo.edu\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.kzoo.edu\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/7"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.kzoo.edu\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=4052"}],"version-history":[{"count":7,"href":"https:\/\/www.kzoo.edu\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4052\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":9653,"href":"https:\/\/www.kzoo.edu\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4052\/revisions\/9653"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.kzoo.edu\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/4053"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.kzoo.edu\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=4052"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.kzoo.edu\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=4052"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.kzoo.edu\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=4052"},{"taxonomy":"post_format","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.kzoo.edu\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/post_formats?post=4052"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}