Talking With a Survivor of Sexual Assault

As a potential first responder, how you communicate with the survivor is so important.

How to Help…

  • Believe your friend. Believe their story.
  • Allow the survivor to tell their story. Listen to and comfort your friend.
  • Do say, "I am so sorry this happened to you."
  • Do say, "How can I help you?"
  • Do say, "It's not your fault."
  • Do say, "I am glad you are alive."
  • Ask the survivor's permission when you want to provide physical comfort. It may take a while for the survivor to be comfortable with touch sensations.
  • If the survivor feels guilt because they did not fight back, tell them that fear often inhibits people and the cooperation does not mean consent.
  • Let them know their feelings are valid.
  • Let your friend lead the conversation.
  • Do say, "What decisions have you made?"
  • Do say, "How did you reach those decisions?"
  • Encourage police involvement in a way that allows the survivor to make the decision.
  • Do provide options and choices and be patient with your friend's thoughts and responses.
  • Help your friend in meeting needs and wants.
  • Encourage your friend to talk with someone (counselor, trusted adult, YWCA), and offer to go with them if this would make them more comfortable.

    What to Avoid…
  • Don't take control and tell the survivor what to do.
  • Survivor may be looking for advice or guidance. It is important that you do not make any decisions for them. The survivor needs to make their own decisions as a step in regaining control and overcoming feelings of helplessness.
  • Don't be judgmental.
  • Don't get angry or violent. It is difficult to not be visibly angry and want to get back at this person for doing this to your friend. Recognize that this is not about you. Don’t make your friend have to worry about calming you down.
  • Even when we know a lot about sexual assault, we bring out own values and prejudices into the situation. It is natural to wonder what they were doing in a certain situation. You can wonder that. You just cannot say that. There is a difference between judgment and responsibility.
  • Don't ask any question that begins with "why." This puts the survivor on the defensive.
  • Don't ask if they did anything to "lead the assaulter on"
  • Don't tell them what you would have done or ask why they didn't scream, fight or run.
  • Don't say what she/he should have done.
  • Don't blame the survivor.
  • Don't say, "I know how you must feel."
  • Don't forget that rape recovery is an ongoing process that takes months to years.
  • Don't forget to take care of yourself.

    (Information taken from a handout in the Kalamazoo College's Counseling Center)


     What a Survivor of Sexual Assault May Be Feeling & How You Can Help

     SHOCK AND NUMBNESS: Feelings of spaciness, confusion, being easily overwhelmed, not knowing how to feel or what to do. Sexual assault survivors may react in a way that is similar to anyone's reaction during other crises in life (for example with tears, irritability, nervous laughter, withdrawing).
    What you can do: Reassure the survivor that these are normal reactions to trauma. Everyone handles crisis differently. Allow the survivor to work through their crisis in their own way.

    LOSS OF CONTROL: Feeling like their whole life has been turned upside down and that they will never have control of their life again. Their thoughts and feelings seem out of control.
    What you can do: Help the survivor gather information and identify options. Do not "take over" or make decisions for the survivor. Ask the question "What can I do for you?" The opportunity to exercise the right to make choices, even very small ones, is crucial to giving the survivor a sense of control over their life again. Respect their privacy and allow them to choose who they tell about the assault.

    FEAR: Fear that the assailant may assault them again; fear for their general physical safety; fear of being alone; fear of other people or situations that may remind the survivor of the assault.
    What you can do: Offer the survivor your company. If you are willing, let the survivor know that they can call you anytime of the day if they are scared or need to talk. Help the survivor identify ways to make their home feel safer.

    GUILT AND SELF-BLAME: Feeling like they could have or should have some something to avoid or prevent the assault; doubts regarding their ability to make judgments.
    What you can do: Assure the survivor that it is not their fault. Assign blame to the perpetrator of the assault, and avoid asking "why" questions.

    ISOLATION: Feeling that this experience has set them apart from other people; feeling that other people can tell they have been sexually assaulted just by looking at them; not wanting to burden other people with their experience.
    What you can do: Assure the survivor that they are not alone, others have experienced this. Give the survivor information about support groups.

    VULNERABILITY, DISTRUST: Feeling that they are at the mercy of their own emotions or actions of others; not knowing who to trust or who to trust themselves; feelings of suspicion and caution.
    What you can do: Do not pressure the survivor to talk to you. Allow them to disclose what they want when they want to. Let them know that you are wiling to listen. Respect their privacy and allow them to choose who they tell about the assault.

    SEXUAL FEARS: Not wanting to have sexual relations; wondering whether they will ever want to enjoy sexual relationships again; fears that being sexually intimate may remind them of the assault.
    What you can do: Give the survivor the time and space to heal in a way that is best for them. Take your cues from the survivor on what level of intimacy is appropriate.

    ANGER: Feeling angry at the assailant; fantasizing about retaliation. They may be angry at the world since they no longer feel safe. If they are religious, the survivor may feel angry that their faith did not prevent this.
    What you can do: Be accepting of the anger. They have the right to be angry about being violated. Reassure them that they are not a "bad person" for feeling angry or having fantasies about retaliation.

    DISRUPTION OF DAILY ACTIVITIES: During the first few days or weeks after the assault the survivor may feel preoccupied with intrusive thoughts about the sexual assault. They may experience difficulty concentrating, nightmares, sleep disturbances, changes in appetite, 'startle reactions,' phobias, general anxiety or depression. They may have memories of a prior crisis.
    What you can do: Reassure the survivor that this is natural for anyone who has experienced a trauma. Be supportive and non-judgmental.

    (Information copied from "A Handbook For Friends and Family of Sexual Assault Survivors" by the Michigan Coalition Against Domestic and Sexual Violence)