Sending a child off to college is a major
family event. The young adult who returns after the first
year of college is not likely to be same as the one whom you
will leave on the first day of orientation. Students are changed
by the learning they grapple with, by interactions with new
people, and by the developmental tasks appropriate to their
age. The literature suggests the following developmental tasks:
separation, differentiation and emancipation from the
family
formation of a sense of one’s own identity
examination and clarification of one’s ethical and moral
values
achievement of the ability to take care of oneself
establishment of a satisfactory sexual identity and formation
of intimate relationships
choice of career or work role
The role of the college student in the family will be different.
While students still maintain their identity as your son
or daughter, they will also exert independence and define
themselves as independent people. They will expect you to
treat them as adults, more as equals than as children. They
may be testing new values. They may be full of the knowledge
they have gained and think by contrast that you haven’t
grown. Trying to take care of themselves may mean that they
won’t share as much with you or expect you to help them
out as you once did. Of course, their need for extra money
or the use of your car probably won’t change!
Your family, without the day-to-day interaction with this
particular child, will also be changed. You will develop
new routines that may suggest to the student that they don’t
belong anymore. Other siblings will assume roles that your
student may feel belongs to him or her. You, too, will grow.
New stories will be told that don’t include this student.
Some families move, and some divorce, creating a sense of
instability and loss or even a sense of guilt for the child
who has been away.
Some parents leave their student at the front door and figuratively
don’t look back, leaving the student to fend for him/herself.
Other parents continue to take care of all of the needs
of their student, including filling out housing forms and
running interference whenever the student faces a problem.
We, of course, hope you will be somewhere in the middle
of these two extremes. Our students need the continued support
of their parents. They need to rely on your wisdom as they
struggle to make their own decisions. They need your love
when problems occur. They need your prodding as they seek
balance among the many opportunities available to them.
Our students also need to make decisions for themselves
and struggle with the complexities of living within a community.
They may need to falter and stumble and be frustrated as
they find their own way through academic decisions and personal
decisions and enhance their sense of social responsibility.
Sometimes you will need to let them work through these decisions
using college resources instead of family resources. Letting
go will enable your student to fully grow and develop into
the mature adult you want him or her to become.
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The
college years are a "time of transition
for young people and their parents. There is no way to move
through such an important passage
without some feelings of dislocation and loss, but information
and insight can help parents negotiate this significant
and often neglected phase of their children’s lives.”
(p. 8 excerpt from Coburn, Karen
Levin and Madge Lawrence Treeger. Letting Go: A Parent’s Guide to
Today’s’ College Experience. 2nd edition, included by permission.)
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