Anti-Federalists Hoist Gadsden Flag

The Anti-Federalists pay a visit to the twenty-first century to hoist the Gasden Flag on the campus' flagpole

By Colin Smith

A coalition of Anti-federalists hoisted up the Gadsden Flag on the Kalamazoo College flagpole two weeks ago. It read “Don’t Tread on Me,” and proudly displayed the iconic rattlesnake. These stalwart statesmen wax sealed a letter of grievances they sent via pigeon to the editor of The Index, voicing their opposition to the ratification of the United States Constitution. They signed their names as Brutus, Centinel, Federal Farmer, and Cato.

Cato, unlike the other Anti-Federalists, doesn’t keep his identity hidden. He reveals himself as George Clinton. But clearly he’s not the George Clinton who served as Vice President under both Thomas Jefferson and James Madison, because he died two hundred years ago. Rather, he’s the godfather of all things funk. Clinton said, “We’re standing for one nation under a groove.”

These veiled writers oppose a Constitution without a Bill of Rights, fearing a tyranny of the majority. A few specific qualms included: the emergence of a monarch through an

“Energetic Executive,” as proposed by Alexander Hamilton in Federalist No. 70, too much power taken away from the State governments, and a lack of a Bill of Rights.

Clinton summarized their stances when he said, “I wanna testify: power taken away from the States would be funked up. You gotta free your mind, and your ass will follow, dig?  Tear the roof off the sucker and give up that funk.”

Brutus said it was only over 230 years ago when the United States declared independence from Britain, and, “to ratify this Constitution would be to enforce monarchal rule that we just declared freedom from.” He also continued to cite recent “tyrannical” legislation, namely, the respective Alien and the Sedition Acts.

The other Anti-Federalists claimed the Federalist Party led by President John Adams handled the XYZ affair poorly—no, this is not to be confused with having one’s fly down. “But, keep in mind Adams also forget to double check his breeches’ buttons!” reminded Brutus.

In this letter to the editor, the four statesmen reminded the Articles of Confederation would have worked with just a bit more time. To gain voters—free white men who own at least $132 in property—they are printing off their works as The Anti-Federalist Papers and will be distributing them throughout campus this week.

The Invisible RA Patriarchy

By Viola Brown

Every year at colleges all over the country many hopeful students apply to be residential assistants (RAs). Most do it for the free room, some do it so they could hook up with insecure underclassmen, others do it so they could sell meth in a peaceful environment without having to worry about someone “searching their room.”

The sad thing about K is that an “invisible RA patriarchy” exists, and no one ever talks about it. People are too busy protesting racial appropriations and trying to figure out who of their peers are writing absurd Konfessions post. But the RA patriarchy is an unknown list of standards that students must meet to be a RA, strictly enforced by the Office of Residential Life. This is the issue that people should be protesting.

Since most people aren’t sure what this is, I’ll tell you the ways the RA patriarchy affects us in our lives as college students:

1. In order to be a RA, you must be ridiculously good-looking. This will allow residents to take you more seriously, as well as have creepy fantasies about you having to “rescue them” from a deranged roommate.

2. In order to be a RA, you must drink/smoke/party with your residents. This is mostly done for safety reasons and so that students don’t get written up (K needs to keep the public reputation of everyone being goody two shoes).

3. Along with number two, RAs must date your residents. Again it’s for safety reasons and to make sure the free condoms, dental dams, and lube from the Health Center is par excellence.

4. If you are a male you must constantly be shirtless and wear tiny boxers. If you are female just leave your door up when you are changing.

5. Fail your classes, because then you’ll have more time to fulfill your role as an on campus model. Your job is to be prominently placed around campus to attract prospectives like the models in the shopping malls during the holidays.

6. Be emotionally unstable; the residents would relate to you more and see you as one of them.

7. Make “Thirsty Thursdays” and “Five Shot Fridays” community builders. Let’s be honest this is the only way residents can truly bond and embrace the patriarchy of drinking culture.

The RA patriarchy just leaves many worthwhile job applicants without employment. It unfairly biases people and divides us as human beings, so this is what people need to talk about. This is an unknown prejudice that leaves qualified students unemployed and probably drunk.

Buzzkill: New Study Abroad Sites Met with Growing Excitement

“Mom? I’m going to North Korea!” exclaimed Sarah Whitmore over the phone as she jumped up and down after receiving her study abroad acceptance letter. Whitmore and other sophomores are now preparing to embark on their semesters abroad. This year, there are three new programs beginning this year to add to the list of over 40 programs around the world.

Kalamazoo College’s study abroad programs in some countries have been around for over 50 years. The newest additions to this legacy are programs in North Korea, Iran, and Crimea.

The North Korea program focuses on social justice and human rights. Whitmore and the three other students in the program will be completing International Cultural Research Projects (ICRPs) that focus on developing strategies for greater awareness of human rights violations by the North Korea government. They will also work to ease tensions between North and South Korea.

“I really think the people and government will be receptive to our work in their country. I can’t wait to practice my Korean!” Whitmore said. “If they aren’t familiar with it already, I hope to introduce my host family to K-Pop. I think that will distract them from their suffering and lack of Internet.”

The program in Iran is a three-month program in physics. The short-term program allows more students to go and still complete all of their requirements in physics. In Iran, they will be working with top-notch physicists in the country.

“We’re always trying to collaborate with the top academic institutions around the globe,” said Marie Wolfe, the academic coordinator at the Center for International Programs. “It’s our goal for students to have a comparable academic experience while studying in another country.”

With its recent annexation by Russia and heavy news coverage, the five students going to Crimea are excited to dive into international politics.

“I have a strong Russian heritage and wanted to go to Crimea to learn more about the history of my culture,” said Stan Leninski. “But I think it will be a great hands on experience for learning about real life politics.”

All of these programs have a core liberal arts curriculum and students will take classes on United States “relations” with their host country, propaganda and marketing, and a physical education class on military strategy.

“All students will be safe and there will be program coordinators in those countries at all times just as our other programs,” Wolfe reassured the Index. “We’re excited to see how these students fare and will assess the programs upon their return to the States next winter.”